HUMOUR (2)
A woman decides to have a face-lift for her 50th birthday.
She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper.
Before leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am."'
"Oh, I would say about 32 years old", he said.
"No, I'm exactly 50 ", the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, " I would say you're 29 ."
The woman replies with a big smile, "No, I'm 50."
Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this same burning question.
The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say you're 30 years old."
Again she proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you!."
While waiting for the street car to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
"How are you, sir? Can you guess how old I am?"
He replies, "Look, lady. I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was a lot younger, there was a sure-fire way to tell the exact age of a woman. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then and only then can I tell you exactly how old you are."
They wait in silence on the empty street car until her curiosity gets the best of her.
She finally blurts out, "Well, what the hell, go ahead."
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pushes and pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other. After a couple of minutes of this, she says,
"Okay, okay, OKAY so how old am I?"
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, "Madam, you are 50 years old."
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?"
The old man says, "Do you promise you won't get mad?"'
'I promise I won't get mad", she says.
"I was the guy behind you at McDonalds."
She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper.
Before leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am."'
"Oh, I would say about 32 years old", he said.
"No, I'm exactly 50 ", the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, " I would say you're 29 ."
The woman replies with a big smile, "No, I'm 50."
Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this same burning question.
The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say you're 30 years old."
Again she proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you!."
While waiting for the street car to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
"How are you, sir? Can you guess how old I am?"
He replies, "Look, lady. I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was a lot younger, there was a sure-fire way to tell the exact age of a woman. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then and only then can I tell you exactly how old you are."
They wait in silence on the empty street car until her curiosity gets the best of her.
She finally blurts out, "Well, what the hell, go ahead."
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pushes and pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other. After a couple of minutes of this, she says,
"Okay, okay, OKAY so how old am I?"
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, "Madam, you are 50 years old."
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?"
The old man says, "Do you promise you won't get mad?"'
'I promise I won't get mad", she says.
"I was the guy behind you at McDonalds."
I had sex in a graveyard and was walking around nude cause it was like 95F and I was all sweaty
and it was like midnight or whatever.
So this car rolls up out of nowhere and I’m stark fucking naked.
I’m also white as fuck. I glow in the dark.
I make eye contact with the dude driving.
I don’t make a move to cover up or anything because I'm not all hung up about being naked like some people I know.
I see his eyes widen with fear.
Then he boots it out of there like a bat out of hell.
And that’s the story about how I became a ghost sighting in a small town in New England.
and it was like midnight or whatever.
So this car rolls up out of nowhere and I’m stark fucking naked.
I’m also white as fuck. I glow in the dark.
I make eye contact with the dude driving.
I don’t make a move to cover up or anything because I'm not all hung up about being naked like some people I know.
I see his eyes widen with fear.
Then he boots it out of there like a bat out of hell.
And that’s the story about how I became a ghost sighting in a small town in New England.
WHEN YOU WANT TO HAVE THE FINAL SAY
You pompous bunch of drivelling garbage
You laughable clump of smelly puke potholes
You pitiful bag of bizarre blue whale snot
You repulsive heap of uneducated ear wax
You smelly truck-load of uncultured cigarette butts
You dreadful excuse for deeply disturbed barf
You drivelling excuse for laughable shark fleas
You uneducated mountain of irrational shark livers
You dim-witted crate of stinking whale parts
You deeply disturbed blob of laughable drain clogs
You drivelling excuse for stinking toe jam
You awful tub of pitiful leopard innards
You laughable clump of smelly puke potholes
You pitiful bag of bizarre blue whale snot
You repulsive heap of uneducated ear wax
You smelly truck-load of uncultured cigarette butts
You dreadful excuse for deeply disturbed barf
You drivelling excuse for laughable shark fleas
You uneducated mountain of irrational shark livers
You dim-witted crate of stinking whale parts
You deeply disturbed blob of laughable drain clogs
You drivelling excuse for stinking toe jam
You awful tub of pitiful leopard innards
A carp in the depths of Lake Ontario found a
billfold someone dropped in the water by mistake
while fishing. The carp started arguing with
another carp over the wallet and so far this has
proven to be the only example of
carp to carp walleting.
billfold someone dropped in the water by mistake
while fishing. The carp started arguing with
another carp over the wallet and so far this has
proven to be the only example of
carp to carp walleting.
HUMOUR (2)
