HUMOUR (3) LIMERICKS, QUOTES AND OXYMORONS
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A nympho who came from St. Jude
Loved making love in the nude She I said, “What the fuck? If I slurp and I suck. I do it because it’s so lewd.” |
While sucking his pecker in May
She cried out, Hey, What the hay?” She gave one more fast lick He came rather quick For sure, it’s the first day in May |
One morning while sucking your dick
I said you can come really quick On this sun-shiny day On the first day of May Out of you, Dear, I get quite a kick |
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The limerick is furtive and mean
Always keep her in close quarantine Or she sneaks to the slums And promptly becomes Disorderly, drunk and obscene i hope you had fun on your bicycle
My speed is more like a tricycle I used to bike travel Then land on the gravel I miss pedal brakes on a bicycle The limerick's an art form complex
And the subject is all about sex It deals with all virgins And masculine urgings For vulgar, erotic effects My son who will turn fifty two
Must know when divided by two Twenty six is the answer And like all this banter The math has been done just for you |
There was a young plumber named Lee
Who lay plumbing his girl by the sea. She said, “Oh! Stop plumbing! There's somebody coming!” Said the plumber, still plumbing, “It's me.” The same thing is true of the horse
A magnificent creature of course But horses resent me Rides me into a tree And leaves me with rider's remorse There was a young woman from Elgin
Who wondered what's all the din? Her birthday arrived It's June 1st, they cried Let the Balmy Beach bonfires begin! Mid August's a good time of year
When Graham's birthday is near And now you can dine On food that's so fine Soon as Dad puts the auto in gear |
A woman I know from the east
Also beautiful, to say the least When we were together We saw stormy weather Still, one day we'll savour our feast There was a young man from Khartoum
Took a lesbian up to his room They argued all night Over who had the right To do what, and with which, and to whom A pretty young woman on Yonge Street
Who works day by day on her feet She's so attractive We both can be active Cuz there's lots of good vibes when we meet As we wait for the outcome with Ruth
As we allways look for the truth Some times, it's not right But we'll never give up the fight To do nothing would be so uncouth |
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There's a marvellous young man in the city
Who said, "You know, I'm so witty." Last day of the year is the date My birthday is going to be great And my Limerick is just one more new ditty There was a young fellow named Dave
Who kept a dead whore in a cave He said, "I'll admit I'm a bit of a shit But look at the money I save." Linda's a woman of passion
Who always leaves room for her fashion Could be Fendi one day Or Vuitton in the fray She's always in style come what may |
There was a young fellow named Hall
Who died in the spring from a fall. T'would have been a bad thing Had he died in the spring But he didn't. He died in the fall This month marks the wonderful birthday
Of a young woman who lives far away It's a hundred or so miles Filled with laughter and smiles A drive i would welcome one day Sometimes in the life of a man
The projects do not go as to plan But this one is on And like a young fawn I'll wait for the parts from North Vaughan |
A woman who's nobody's fool
Spent all of her time in the pool She found that her treasure, The ultimate pleasure She lived by her own set of rules There was a young girl from Rabat
Who had triplets: Nan, Pat, and Tat. It was fun in the breeding But hell in the feeding She found she had no tit for Tat A woman I know onward west
Joined Tagged and now she's my guest One line at a time I think we'll be fine Who knows? It could be a love-fest! |
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There was an old man with a beard
Who said, "It's just as I feared Two owls and a hen Four larks and a wren Have all built their nests in my beard.” |
There was an enchanting young bride
Who ate many green apples and died The apples fermented Inside the lamented And made cider inside her insides |
There once was a mathematician
Who preferred an exotic position T'was the joy of his life To achieve with his wife Topologically complex coition |
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A swimmer whose clothing got strewed
By breezes that left her quite nude Saw a man come along, And unless we are wrong You expected this line to be lewd |
There was a young lady from Nachez
Whose clothing was always in patches When she was asked why She replied with a sigh “Because, when Ah itches, Ah scratches.” |
A Canadian they love to call "Jim"
Took his wife to the beach on a whim They tossed and they tossed A ball that got lost Now both of them knows how to swim |
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Your name-calling's slightly moronic
Jim fashioned a replica optic Now Perli's renewed And Facebook got screwed He conned all the pixels robotic |
Now Perli I say this for certain
Your shack was without a curtain And one day in Autumn You scorched your old bottom By doing bad items verboten |
An older old hag we’ll call Perli
Whose hair was yellow and curly She had always her fun When she fucked an old nun Catholics will never tell, verily? |
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The clothes Perli's wearing are grey
But that’s not a problem, they say For alas and forsooth She’ll put on houndstooth If fashion’s at all here at play |
Perli once had an old lover
Who said, “They will never discover The slits in my pants Were made by old aunts Who loved fucking dogs they called Rover.” |
Hey Perli your east-facing window-sill
Is full of white tulips from Baldwinsville Know this and I say For back in the day We found your conundrum uphill |
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There was a young lady from Yap
Who had acne all over her map In her interstices Lurked a far worse disease Commonly known to most folks as the clap |
There once was a girl named Irene
Who lived on distilled kerosene But she started absorbin' A new hydrocarbon Since then she has never benzene |
There was a young man from Nantucket
Whose prick was so long he could suck it He said with a grin As he wiped off his chin “If my ear were a cunt I would fuck it.” |
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While Titian was mixing rose madder
His model ascended a ladder Her position to Titian Suggested coition So he climbed up the ladder and had her |
There once was a nympho named Jill
Who tried dynamite just for a thrill They found her vagina In North Carolina And bits of her tits in Brazil |
A man got a look at the titty
Of the well-endowed, curvy Miss Kitty He imagined his life With that gal as his wife In his harem at Casa de Mitty |
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A mischievous young whore from Perdue
Filled her vagina with glue She said with a grin If they pay to get in They can pay to get out of it too |
There once was a man in a bucket
Played rugby with friends and would ruck it One day he missed out On selection no doubt So the next day he told them to fuck it |
A chicken ran fast 'cross a road
Upon leaving her comfy abode When they asked of her "Why?" She replied "To get pie Slightly warmed in a dish a la mode." |
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A crafty young bard named McMahon
Whose poetry never would scan Once said, with a pause “It's probably because I'm always trying to cram as many extra syllables into the last line as I possibly can.” |
There once was a fellow from Dundas
Whose balls were made of brass When they clanged together, They played "Stormy Weather" And lightning shot out of his ass |
About lim’ricks, I truly have passion
I guess that it's love in a fashion For a rhyme is like breathing And without it I’m seething Have compassion; don’t ask me to ration |
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Birthdays can be so traumatic
The years counted by are so frantic "Don't worry," they say, Like the first day in May And the fellatio's always fantastic." |
There once was a fellow from Kent
Whose pecker was crooked and bent When he ran into trouble He shoved it in double And instead of coming he went |
There once was a girl from Anheuser
Who thought that no man could surprise her But Pabst took a chance Found Shlitz in her pants And now she is sadder Budweiser |
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There was a young fellow from Norway
Who hung by his heels from the doorway He said with a grin As his girlfriend walked in "Look dear, I've just found one more way." |
Two brothers named Wong couldn't quite
Pull off their first aero-plane flight When their rig crashed and burned They finally learned Two Wongs do not make a Wright |
There was a young fellow named Clyde
Who fell in an outhouse and died Along came his brother And fell in another Now they're buried, (interred) side by side |
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There was a young fellow from Lyme
Who lived with three wives at a time When asked, “Why the third?” He replied, “One’s absurd, “And bigamy, sir, is a crime.” - Anonymous |
There was a sweet lassie named Harriet
Who would take on two lads in a chariot, Six monks and four tailors, Nine priests and eight sailors, Mohammed and Judas Iscariot. - Anonymous |
An uncertain young woman named Fern
Was so great she had lovers to burn. She got into bed With both Johnny and Fred And didn’t know which way to turn. - Anonymous |
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There once were two ladies from Wingham
Now I`ll tell you a story concerning 'em They lifted the frock And diddled the cock Of the Bishop as he was confirming 'em A church goer whom we'll call Malou
Sat up as as the bishop withdrew "Oh, the Vicar is quicker He's thicker and slicker And four inches longer than you." There once was a groom from Mount Hope
Tied his fiance friend up with a rope "While it's tight on her waist I'll go in for a taste" Looks like they'll likely elope A geezer who lived in Mount Vain
Looked south for his brother Omain Both Sandy and Rick Two nipples, one dick Went off to Jamaica in vain |
Now the bishop was nobody's fool
Cuz he`d been to a large public school So he dropped down his britches And diddled those bitches With his six-inch Episcopal tool There was an old fart from Mount Vain
Who looked for a guy named Omain Both Sandy and Rick Had no luck to pick For they went to Jamaica in vain Here's a quote from a young man called Bruno "Fucking is one thing I do know
Sheep are just fine And women divine But llamas are numero uno." There once was a bloke from Mount Hope
Tied up his girlfriend with a rope "While it's tight on her waist, I'll go in for a taste Then I'll clean off her box with some soap" |
Said one girl as the Bishop withdrew,
“Not bad for a Bishop, 'tis true. But the prick of the vicar Is thicker and quicker And three inches longer than you!” A woman whose hair was in strands
Met gentlemen from western oil lands She rented her twat Each hour, she was bought By tar men and girls from the Northland There once was a geezer from Kent
Whose tool was so long that it bent To save her some trouble He folded it double And instead of coming, he went There once was a girl from Belize
Who met a guy on a trapeze They had a fine fling From the tent to the ring And now they're just shooting the breeze |
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There’s no place that’s less adversarial
Than that wonderful province Ontario Christian, Moslem or Jew They don’t care what you do You’re respected from birth unto burial |
Two seniors set out on a trek
Through the mountains of northern Quebec All went very well Till they found a hotel And then she just wanted to neck |
A visiting nun from New Brunswick
Saw a doctor in downtown Ahuntsic She immediately knew This was worse than the flu The doc said,“Tabernac this nun’s sick!” |
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In Quebec everyone except moi
Speaks a French that they call Quebecois I just sit there and grin While I eat my poutin ‘Cause Francais je ne parle pas |
The winters in old Manitoba
Are atrociously cold when you’re sober That’s why in Winnipeg They drink beer by the keg Commencing in early October |
Ask any farmer in Saskatchewan
The province out west there, that’s the one Want a duck or a goose? A deer or a moose? He’ll jump in his pickup and catch you one |
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A young girl with black hair in strands
Met a guy from Alberta with soiled hands Although she was purty She liked her men dirty Now they play like two kids in tar sands |
I’m a rancher, a farmer, a herder
A cowboy, and let me say further Every cow shows my brand And I own all the land Between Calgary and Lethbridge Alberta |
A suntan is sure to become ya
So go visit British Columbia In the sunshine you’ll roast You’ll just love the west coast Though the rain will eventually numb ya |
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A helicopter pilot from Newfoundland
Could best be described as aloof and bland If he came to a town And wished to put down He would simply pick out a flat roof and land |
Last spring on the top floor we stare again
At our skyscraper’s resident peregrine She takes care of her chicks Shows them bird-hunting tricks We hope that next spring she’ll be there again |
When stationed in Camp Petawawa
As a mascot, we had a chihuahua He went with us to war But alas, he’s no more He was killed sniffing bombs in Okinawa |
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Excuse me sir "Is this Newfoundland?"
It's a question of who found land If I found land, few Would consider it new 'Twould be Newfoundland only if you found land Two hundred women and counting
May gather together in flounting The love-style of James "Made me feel like a dame." She said, of his love-style, so daunting A man whom I know as my brother
Over time, he's been bent to bother His brothers and sisters His wife and his mistress These days, he's a match for his father There was a young woman from Ancees
Who usually woke up with no panties And here is the kicker He found liquor was quicker She said, "I'm drunk but I do love our dances." |
A car dealer in Tuktoyaktuk
Put a truck bed on an old Bangkok tuc-tuc Now the dealership thrives As everyone drives A Tuktoyaktuk Toyota tuc-tuc truck There once was a man they called Jim
Who lived much of his life on a whim A ladies' man, sure His technique will endure And the next one will likely be"Kim" Marina has yet one more birthday
This time it all comes on a Monday It's a perfect Fall day And yet, day after day Her music is what saves the day There once was a gardener named Mark
He brought me some plants he did start They were heirloom tomatoes I now own and hope grows The thought really does warm my heart |
You can’t help but feel the emotion
And the bond people have with the ocean Have a swim, catch a fish Visit Antigonish There’s so much when you're Nova Scotian There once was a woman on nine
Who wrote with her pen so sublime When a man starts to read About her favourite need He writes back as one hopes, just in time There once was a bloke from High Park
Who wanted to still make his mark While looking for ass He said, "I'll take a pass" Now he's just like a dog that can't bark There once was a geezer named Jayy
Who planted tomatoes in May "Come in for a salad And I'll play you a ballad" Pianos and food make the day! |
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An Irishman was once prone to mutter
As he peeked through a hole in the shutter All he could see Was a prostitute’s knee And the bum of the chap that was up her There once was woman from France
Who jumped on a bus just by chance Ten gentlemen fucked her Before the conductor And the bus driver came in his pants There once was a man from Devizes
Whose balls were of differing sizes One was so small Yyou couldn't see it at all The other so big it won prizes There once was a man from Nantucket
His dick was so long he could suck it Hhe said with a grin A he licked off his chin "If my ear was a cunt I would fuck it." There once was a fellow named Schwartz Whose dick was all covered with warts
But many would play With his dick anyway Because our man Schwartz came in quarts An insomniac who we'll call "Old Hatches"
Spent the night in a whorehouse in Natchez He still tossed and turned Half the night but he learned How to manage by sleeping in snatches There once was maid they called Olga
Whose resume read rather vulga Tthe things she could do From basement to flue Without ever letting go of ya There's a a night girl who comes the Azores
Her cunt was all covered with sores Tthe dogs in the street Would not eat the meat That hung in festoons from her drawers You may think these limericks are crass
So throw me a comment to sass But I will agree To some degree I’ll still show you the crack of my ass In Toronto, a young man begat
Bouncing triplets called Nat, Tat and Pat It was fun in the breeding But hell in the feeding His wife had no spare tit for Pat Whores who come from Lahore
Lie like on a rug on the floor In a manner uncanny They wiggle their fanny Drain your testicles dry to the core The short, autumn days come forth
Now that it's cool in the north The leaves turn gold As I turn old I know now that life has it's worth There once was a punter from Sprocket
Who went for a ride in a rocket The space ship went bang His balls they went clang And his wife found his dick in his pocket https://www.ba-bamail.com/jokes/dirty-limericks/?onelinerid=5815 |
I once had a lovely vibration
It was feeling like Grand Central Station She turned to the right And to my delight She said, "Let's have a sex-filled vacation" There was an old lady from Spain
Who couldn't go out in the rain For she lent her umbrella To Queen Isabella Who never returned it again There once was a man from Leeds
Who ate a whole packet of seeds He grew lots of potatoes And a ton of tomatoes And his balls were all covered in weeds A good looking dude we'll call Martin
Told his ex-wife that since our partin' I've fucked women and men Several geese and a hen And a Hoover and that's just for startin' There once was a lady named Dot
Who ate lots of pig shit and snot When she ran out of these She ate the green cheese That grew on each side of her twat There once was a guy named McAmeter
With a tool of prodigious diameter It was not that his size Caused so much surprise 'Twas his rhythm - Iambic Pentameter Two lovers called Albert and Kelly
Were sticking belly to belly 'Cuz in their haste They used library paste Instead of petroleum jelly There was a young girl from Madras
Who had a magnificent ass Not rounded and pink As you probably think It was gray, had long ears, and ate grass There was a young girl from Cape Cod
Who thought babies were fashioned by God But ’twas not the Almighty Who hiked up her nightie It was Roger, the lodger, by God! There was a young man from Peru
Fell asleep while in his canoe While dreaming of Venus Hhe played with his penis He woke up all covered in goo An older Kentucky- Tom Matos
Has relations with unripe tomatoes The activity's crude And the insertion's so rude But they're better than uncooked potatoes There was a young tart from Castille
Who thought that she'd much rather steal Condoms from Walgreens Which she placed in his jeans Their cum now will simply congeal I'm in love with my music Marina
Not a note which can come in between 'ya She plays with such ease And the people are pleased For me, I am happy to be near 'ya There was a young tart from Lachine
Who's cunt was like a machine The pleasures they had Made the guy rather glad Their neighbours though, found it obscene https://www.ba-bamail.com/jokes/dirty-limericks/?onelinerid=5815 |
Spent the day making love to Fiona
And her girlfriend who lived in Kallona "I love cunnilingus'" "Don't make a big fuss" And I came with my lover, sweet Mona There once was a geezer from Mass
Who wanted a strange piece of ass He fucked a cute lesbian The first lesbian thespian Her wordplay was notably crass There once was a man from China
Who wasn't a very good climber He slipped on a rock And cut off his cock Now he's got a limestone vagina A bridegroom who came from Bel Air
Fucked his new pretty wife on the stair The banister broke So he doubled his stroke And finished her off in mid-air A flautist who hailed from Iraq
Had holes down the length of his cock When he got an erection He played a selection From Johann Sebastian Bach There once was a drinker McSweeny
Spilled Beefseater all over his weenie Wanting to be couth He added Vermouth So his girl could enjoy a martini A punter who hailed from Racine
Was an awesome fucking machine Both concave and convex He could screw either sex And jerk himself off in between There once was a rabbi named Keith
Who circumcised men with his teeth To be right in his measure Plus the sensual pleasure He sucked on the cheese underneath There once was a man from Pompeii
Made a vagina one day out of clay Tthe heat from his prick Turned the clay into brick And tore all his foreskin away There once was a girl from Hoboken
Who said her cherry was broken From riding her bike On a high mountain pike But it really was broken from pokin' Periodically, over the years
I 've been drawn to one of my peers She's Eva on five And, one day I'll strive To find more time with Eva, so dear We experience the cool of November
With Winter so near in December My friend, Jill lives on nine And that's perfectly fine We'll see that our friendship's forever There once was a man named O'Toole
Found two crimson spots on his tool His doctor - a cynic "Get out of my clinic ! " And wipe off that lipstick, you fool https://www.ba-bamail.com/jokes/dirty-limericks/?onelinerid=5769 |
N.B. Limerick authors include Adrian De Kuyper, Jamyca Soria, Jim Sheldrick and of course, Anonymous
Also go to: https://www.ba-bamail.com/jokes/dirty-limericks/?onelinerid=5815
Also go to: https://www.ba-bamail.com/jokes/dirty-limericks/?onelinerid=5815
Oxymorons
An oxymoron, (from Greek ὀξύμωρον, "sharp dull") is a figure of speech that combines contradictory terms. Oxymora appear in a variety of contexts, including inadvertent errors such as ground pilot and literary oxymorons crafted to reveal a paradox.
An oxymoron, (from Greek ὀξύμωρον, "sharp dull") is a figure of speech that combines contradictory terms. Oxymora appear in a variety of contexts, including inadvertent errors such as ground pilot and literary oxymorons crafted to reveal a paradox.
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steel wool
constant change jumbo shrimp ladies' man pretty ugly pro contra epoch times marineland uninvited guest found missing old news bittersweet medical miracle |
civil disobedience
double solitaire terribly good barely dressed act naturally resident alien settle up somewhat irrefutable sweet tart terribly nice never again growing smaller come away |
alone together
anxious patient rolling stop invisible ink abundant poverty zero deficit virginal intercourse free trade beaver moon organized confusion only choice paid volunteer civil war |
Limericks are brought to you by:
Page Tturner
Griffin Furlong
Tyler Flockhart
Wylie Sheridan
Frosty Woolridge
Bergstrom Kyser
Amanda Reckonwith
Cliff Hanger
Curb Crawler and many other shiftless layabouts
Quotables are brought you by Nestor Golditz.
Most people aren't paying for sex. They're paying for the girl to leave.
The Dow is falling faster than a whore falls to her knees to pick up her cash.
Play me some gestation music while we fuck.
A decent provision for the poor is the true test of civilization.
Canada Customs couldn't conduct a one car funeral without screwing up.
Whoever says, May the best man win never asks a woman to play.
Fifty shades of paranoid delusional, narcissistic personality disorder.
A loyal friend is worth a thousand relatives.
An empty kettle emits no steam.
For the happiest life, days should be rigorously planned; nights left open to chance.
It's better to be thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.
You're mother has no reason to be proud of you. She should have tossed the baby in the blue bin and raised the placenta instead.
She looks really ugly; like the back of my nutsack after a hockey game.
Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
She's crazier than a shit house rat!
He's not worth a piece of squirrel skin stretched over a mosquito's ass.
Like a busted toilet, the left keeps bringing up the same shit every time.
That's all we need in this country; more twenty- somethings sniffing their big paychecks up their noses.
"I certainly wish you would have invented a more reasonable story. I feel distinctly like an idiot repeating it".
Peter Lorre to Humphrey Bogart in The Maltese Falcon
We don't have to be imprisoned by choices we've made in the past.
I like to reminisce with people I don't know. I know it takes a little longer, but at least we can have the conversation.
I don't know the key to success but I know the key to failure is trying to please everybody. Bill Cosby
True intelligence is the ability to understand and empathize with all points of view.
I have a few good reasons for living
And one just entered my head
If a man can't drink while he's living
How the Hell can he drink when he's dead?
If you always tell the truth, you don't have to remember what you said. Mark Twain
it's easier to fool someone than to convince someone they're being fooled. Mark Twain
If you can achieve something without a struggle, it's not going to be satisfying.
A physician can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
"Never play anything that don't sound right. You might not make any money but at least won't get hostile with yourself."
Quote from Reggie Duval who was a dance hall pianist and good friend of Hoagy Carmichael.
God is a bronze age mechanism of social manipulation.
Religion is like a penis. So don't try to shove it down my family's throat.
America is England's fault.
You're a pack of chintzy pizmires.
Here's to ya. Who's like ya. Damn few and they're all dead. Moir's the pity!
You sheep shaggers, goat-fuckers and rug flyers: all you people, wake up and smell the brimstone!
Most people aren't paying for sex. They're paying for the girl to leave.
The Dow is falling faster than a whore falls to her knees to pick up her cash.
Play me some gestation music while we fuck.
A decent provision for the poor is the true test of civilization.
Canada Customs couldn't conduct a one car funeral without screwing up.
Whoever says, May the best man win never asks a woman to play.
Fifty shades of paranoid delusional, narcissistic personality disorder.
A loyal friend is worth a thousand relatives.
An empty kettle emits no steam.
For the happiest life, days should be rigorously planned; nights left open to chance.
It's better to be thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.
You're mother has no reason to be proud of you. She should have tossed the baby in the blue bin and raised the placenta instead.
She looks really ugly; like the back of my nutsack after a hockey game.
Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
She's crazier than a shit house rat!
He's not worth a piece of squirrel skin stretched over a mosquito's ass.
Like a busted toilet, the left keeps bringing up the same shit every time.
That's all we need in this country; more twenty- somethings sniffing their big paychecks up their noses.
"I certainly wish you would have invented a more reasonable story. I feel distinctly like an idiot repeating it".
Peter Lorre to Humphrey Bogart in The Maltese Falcon
We don't have to be imprisoned by choices we've made in the past.
I like to reminisce with people I don't know. I know it takes a little longer, but at least we can have the conversation.
I don't know the key to success but I know the key to failure is trying to please everybody. Bill Cosby
True intelligence is the ability to understand and empathize with all points of view.
I have a few good reasons for living
And one just entered my head
If a man can't drink while he's living
How the Hell can he drink when he's dead?
If you always tell the truth, you don't have to remember what you said. Mark Twain
it's easier to fool someone than to convince someone they're being fooled. Mark Twain
If you can achieve something without a struggle, it's not going to be satisfying.
A physician can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
"Never play anything that don't sound right. You might not make any money but at least won't get hostile with yourself."
Quote from Reggie Duval who was a dance hall pianist and good friend of Hoagy Carmichael.
God is a bronze age mechanism of social manipulation.
Religion is like a penis. So don't try to shove it down my family's throat.
America is England's fault.
You're a pack of chintzy pizmires.
Here's to ya. Who's like ya. Damn few and they're all dead. Moir's the pity!
You sheep shaggers, goat-fuckers and rug flyers: all you people, wake up and smell the brimstone!
HUMOUR (3) LIMERICKS AND OXYMORONS
