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HUMOUR (3) LIMERICKS AND OXYMORONS
Picture
A nympho who came from St. Jude
Loved making love in the nude
She I said, “What the fuck?
 If I slurp and I suck.
I do it because it’s so lewd.”
While sucking his pecker in May
She cried out, Hey, What the hay?”
She gave one more fast lick
He came rather quick
For sure, it’s the first day in May
One morning while sucking your dick
I said you can come really quick
On this sun-shiny day
 On the first day of May
Out of you, Dear, I get quite a kick
The limerick is furtive and mean
Always keep her in close quarantine
Or she sneaks to the slums
And promptly becomes
Disorderly, drunk and obscene
The limerick's an art form complex
And the subject is all about sex 
It deals with all virgins
And masculine urgings
For vulgar, erotic effects

There was a young plumber named Lee
Who lay plumbing his girl by the sea.
She said, “Oh! Stop plumbing!
There's somebody coming!”
Said the plumber, still plumbing, “It's me.”
There was a young man from Karthoum
Took a lesbian up to his room
They argued all night
Over who had the right
To do what, and with which, and to whom
There was a young fellow named Dave
Who kept a dead whore in a cave
He said, "I'll admit
I'm a bit of a shit
But look at the money I save."
There was a young fellow named Hall
Who died in the spring from a fall.
​T'would have been a bad thing
Had he died in the spring
But he didn't. He died in the fall
There was a young girl from Rabat
Who had triplets: Nan, Pat, and Tat.
It was fun in the breeding
But hell in the feeding
 She found she had no tit for Tat
There was an old man with a beard
Who said, "It's just as I feared
Two owls and a hen
Four larks and a wren
Have all built their nests in my beard.”
There was an enchanting young bride
Who ate many green apples and died
The apples fermented
Inside the lamented
And made cider inside her insides
There once was a mathematician
Who preferred an exotic position
T'was the joy of his life
To achieve with his wife
Topologically complex coition

A swimmer whose clothing got strewed
By breezes that left her quite nude
Saw a man come along,
And unless we are wrong
You expected this line to be lewd
There was a young lady from Nachez
Whose clothing was always in patches
When she was asked why
She replied with a sigh
“Because, when Ah itches, Ah scratches.”
A Canadian they love to call "Jim"
Took his wife to the beach on a whim
They tossed and they tossed
A ball that got lost
Now both of them knows how to swim


Your name-calling's slightly moronic
Jim fashioned a replica optic
Now Perli's renewed
And Facebook got screwed
He conned all the pixels robotic


Now Perli I say this for certain
Your shack was without a curtain
And one day in Autumn
You scorched your old bottom
By doing bad items verboten
An older old hag we’ll call Perli
Whose hair was yellow and curly
She had always her fun
When she fucked an old nun
Catholics will never tell, verily?
The clothes Perli's wearing are grey
But that’s not a problem, they say
For alas and forsooth
She’ll put on houndstooth
If fashion’s at all here at play
Perli once had an old lover
Who said, “They will never discover
The slits in my pants
Were made by old aunts
Who loved fucking dogs they called Rover.”
Hey Perli your east-facing window-sill
Is full of white tulips from Baldwinsville
Know this and I say
For back in the day
We found your conundrum uphill
There was a young lady from Yap
Who had acne all over her map
In her interstices
Lurked a far worse disease
Commonly known to most folks as the clap
There once was a girl named Irene
Who lived on distilled kerosene
But she started absorbin'
A new hydrocarbon
Since then she has never benzene
There was a young man from Nantucket
Whose prick was so long he could suck it
He said with a grin
As he wiped off his chin
“If my ear were a cunt I would fuck it.”
While Titian was mixing rose madder
His model ascended a ladder
Her position to Titian
Suggested coition
So he climbed up the ladder and had her
There once was a nympho named Jill
Who tried dynamite just for a thrill
They found her vagina
In North Carolina
And bits of her tits in Brazil
A man got a look at the titty
Of the well-endowed, curvy Miss Kitty
He imagined his life
With that gal as his wife
In his harem at Casa de Mitty
A mischievous young whore from Perdue
Filled her vagina with glue
She said with a grin
If they pay to get in
They can pay to get out of it too
There once was a man in a bucket
Played rugby with friends and would ruck it
One day he missed out
On selection no doubt
So the next day he told them to fuck it
A chicken ran fast 'cross a road
Upon leaving her comfy abode
When they asked of her "Why?"
She replied "To get pie
Slightly warmed in a dish a la mode."
A crafty young bard named McMahon
Whose poetry never would scan
Once said, with a pause
“It's probably because
I'm always trying to cram as many extra syllables into the last line as I possibly can.”
There once was a fellow from Dundas
Whose balls were made of brass
When they clanged together,
They played "Stormy Weather"
And lightning shot out of his ass
About lim’ricks, I truly have passion
I guess that it's love in a fashion
For a rhyme is like breathing
And without it I’m seething
Have compassion; don’t ask me to ration
Birthdays can be so traumatic
The years counted by are so frantic
"Don't worry," they say,
Like the first day in May
And the fellatio's always fantastic."
There once was a fellow from Kent
Whose pecker was crooked and bent
When he ran into trouble
He shoved it in double
And instead of coming he went
There once was a girl from Anheuser
Who thought that no man could surprise her
But Pabst took a chance
Found Shlitz in her pants
And now she is sadder Budweiser
There was a young fellow from Norway
Who hung by his heels from the doorway
He said with a grin
As his girlfriend walked in
"Look dear, I've just found one more way."
Two brothers named Wong couldn't quite
Pull off their first aero-plane flight
When their rig crashed and burned
They finally learned
Two Wongs do not make a Wright
There was a young fellow named Clyde
Who fell in an outhouse and died
Along came his brother
And fell in another
Now they're buried, (interred) side by side
There was a young fellow from Lyme
Who lived with three wives at a time
When asked, “Why the third?”
He replied, “One’s absurd,
“And bigamy, sir, is a crime.”
- Anonymous


There was a sweet lassie named Harriet
Who would take on two lads in a chariot,
Six monks and four tailors,
Nine priests and eight sailors,
Mohammed and Judas Iscariot.
- Anonymous


An uncertain young woman named Fern
Was so great she had lovers to burn.
She got into bed
With both Johnny and Fred
And didn’t know which way to turn.
- Anonymous


There once were two ladies from Wingham
Now I`ll tell you a story concerning 'em
They lifted the frock
And diddled the cock
Of the Bishop as he was confirming 'em
​ A church goer whom we'll call Malou
Sat up as as the bishop withdrew 
"Oh, the Vicar is quicker
He's thicker and slicker
And four inches longer than you."
​A geezer who lived in Mount Vain
Looked south for his brother Omain
Both Sandy and Rick
Two nipples, one dick
Went off to Jamaica in vain
Now the bishop was nobody's fool
Cuz he`d been to a large public school
So he dropped down his britches
And diddled those bitches
With his six-inch Episcopal tool

There was an old fart from Mount Vain
Who looked for a guy named Omain
Both Sandy and Rick
Had no luck to pick 
For they went to Jamaica in vain

Here's a quote from a young man called Bruno "Fucking is one thing I do know
Sheep are just fine
And women divine
But llamas are numero uno."
Said one girl as the Bishop withdrew,
“Not bad for a Bishop, 'tis true.
But the prick of the vicar
Is thicker and quicker
And three inches longer than you!”
A woman whose hair was in strands
Met gentlemen from western oil lands
She rented her twat
Each hour, she was bought
By tar men and girls from the Northland
There once was a geezer from  Kent
Whose tool was so long that it bent
To save her some trouble
He folded it double
And instead of coming, he went

There’s no place that’s less adversarial
Than that wonderful province Ontario
Christian, Moslem or Jew
They don’t care what you do
You’re respected from birth unto burial
Two seniors set out on a trek
Through the mountains of northern Quebec
All went very well
Till they found a hotel
And then she just wanted to neck
A visiting nun from New Brunswick
Saw a doctor in  downtown Ahuntsic
She immediately knew
This was worse than the flu
The doc said,“Tabernac this nun’s sick!”
In Quebec everyone except moi
Speaks a French that they call Quebecois
I just sit there and grin
While I eat my poutin
‘Cause Francais je ne parle pas
The winters in old Manitoba
Are atrociously cold when you’re sober
That’s why in Winnipeg
They drink beer by the keg
Commencing in early October
Ask any farmer in Saskatchewan
The province out west there, that’s the one
Want a duck or a goose?
A deer or a moose?
He’ll jump in his pickup and catch you one
A young girl with black hair in strands
Met a guy from Alberta with soiled hands
Although she was purty
She liked her men dirty
Now they play like two kids in tar sands
I’m a rancher, a farmer, a herder
A cowboy, and let me say further
Every cow shows my brand
And I own all the land
Between Calgary and Lethbridge Alberta
A suntan is sure to become ya
So go visit British Columbia
In the sunshine you’ll roast
You’ll just love the west coast
Though the rain will eventually numb ya
A helicopter pilot from Newfoundland
Could best be described as aloof and bland
If he came to a town
And wished to put down
He would simply pick out a flat roof and land
Last spring on the top floor we stare again
At our skyscraper’s resident peregrine
She takes care of her chicks
Shows them bird-hunting tricks
We hope that next spring she’ll be there again
When stationed in Camp Petawawa
As a mascot we had a chihuahua
He went with us to war
But alas, he’s no more
He was killed sniffing bombs in Okinawa
Excuse me sir "Is this Newfoundland?"
It's a question of who found land
If I found land, few
Would consider it new
'Twould be Newfoundland only if you found land
Two hundred women and counting
May gather together in flounting
The love-style  of James
"Made me feel like a dame."
She said, of his love-style, so daunting
A car dealer in Tuktoyaktuk
Put a truck bed on an old Bangkok tuc-tuc
Now the dealership thrives
As everyone drives
A Tuktoyaktuk Toyota tuc-tuc truck


There once was a man they called Jim
Who lived much of his life on a whim
A ladies' man, sure
His technique will endure
And the next one will likely be"Kim"
You can’t help but feel the emotion
And the bond people have with the ocean
Have a swim, catch a fish
Visit Antigonish
There’s so much when you're Nova Scotian


There once was a woman on nine
Who wrote with her pen so sublime
When a man starts to read
About her favourite need
He writes back as one hopes, just in time


An Irishman was once prone to mutter
As he peeked through a hole in the shutter
All he could see
Was a prostitute’s knee
And the bum of the chap that was up her
​
There once was woman from France
Who jumped on a bus just by chance
Ten gentlemen fucked her 
Before the conductor
And the bus driver came in his pants
There once was a man from Devizes
Whose balls were of differing sizes
One was so small
Yyou couldn't see it at all
The other so big it won prizes
There once was a man from Nantucket
​His dick was so long he could suck it
Hhe said with a grin
A he licked off his chin
"If my ear was a cunt I would fuck it."
There once was a fellow named Schwartz Whose dick was all covered with warts
But many would play 
With his dick anyway
Because our man Schwartz came in quarts
An insomniac who we'll call "Old Hatches"
Spent the night in a whorehouse in Natchez
He still tossed and turned
Half the night but he learned
How to manage by sleeping in snatches
There once was maid they called Olga
Whose resume read rather vulga
Tthe things she could do
From basement to flue
Without ever letting go of ya

There's a a night girl who comes the Azores
Her cunt was all covered with sores
Tthe dogs in the street
Would not eat the meat
That hung in festoons from her drawers


You may think these limericks are crass
and throw me a comment to sass
but I will agree
to some degree
and I’ll still show you the crack of my ass

In Toronto, a young man begat
Bouncing triplets called Nat, Tat and Pat
It was fun in the breeding
But hell in the feeding
Cuz his wife had no spare tit for Pat
Whores who come from Lahore
Lie on a rug on the floor
In a manner uncanny
They wiggle their fanny
Drain your testicles dry to the core
There once was a punter from Sprocket
Who went for a ride in a rocket
The space ship went bang
His balls they went clang
And his wife found his dick in his pocket


​https://www.ba-bamail.com/jokes/dirty-limericks/?onelinerid=5815

I once had a lovely vibration
It was feeling like Grand Central Station
She turned to the right
And to my delight
She said, "Let's have a sex-filled vacation"
​
There was an old lady from Spain
Who couldn't go out in the rain
For she lent her umbrella
To Queen Isabella
Who never returned it again
There once was a man from Leeds
Who ate a whole packet of seeds
He grew lots of potatoes
And a ton of tomatoes
And his balls were all covered in weeds

A good looking dude we'll call Martin
Told his ex-wife that since our partin'
I've fucked women and men
Several geese and a hen
And a Hoover and that's just for startin'
There once was a lady named Dot
Who ate lots of pig shit and snot
When she ran out of these
She ate the green cheese
That grew on each side of her twat

There once was a guy named McAmeter
​With a tool of prodigious diameter
It was not that his size
Caused so much surprise
'Twas his rhythm - Iambic Pentameter
Two lovers called Albert and Kelly 
Were sticking belly to belly 
'Cuz in their haste
They used library paste
Instead of petroleum jelly

There was a young girl from Madras
Who had a magnificent ass 
Not rounded and pink
As you probably think
It was gray, had long ears, and ate grass


There was a young girl from Cape Cod
Who thought babies were fashioned by God But ’twas not the Almighty
Who hiked up her nightie
It was Roger, the lodger, by God!

There was a young man from Peru
Fell asleep while in his canoe
While dreaming of Venus
Hhe played with his penis
He woke up all covered in goo
An older Kentucky-Tom Matos
Has relations with unripe tomatoes
The activity's crude
And the insertion's so rude
But they're better than uncooked potatoes

There was a young tart from Pastille 
Who loved a hot guy from Castille 
The pleasures they had
Made them both rather glad
Their neighbours though, found it obscene
  

​https://www.ba-bamail.com/jokes/dirty-limericks/?onelinerid=5815

You and Me me are meant to be,
We will face the challenges whatever will be.
Thank you for the trust, care and love,
You showed me what the real definition of love.

I spent the day making love to Fiona 
And her girlfriend who  lived in Kallona
"I love cunnilingus'"
 "Don't make a big fuss"
And I came with my lovely friend Mona

There once was a geezer from Mass
Who wanted a strange piece of ass
He fucked a cute lesbian
The first lesbian thespian
Her wordplay was notably  crass

There once was a man from China
Who wasn't a very good climber
​He slipped on a rock
And cut of his cock
And now he's got a vagina
​A bridegroom who came from Bel Air
Fucked his new pretty wife on the stair
But the banister broke
So he doubled his stroke
And finished her off in mid-air
A flautist who hailed from Iraq
Had holes down the length of his cock
When he got an erection
He played a selection
From Johann Sebastian Bach
There once was a drinker McSweeny
Spilled Beefseater all over his weenie
Wanting to be couth
He added Vermouth
So his girl could enjoy a martini

A punter who hailed from Racine
Was a awesome fucking machine
Both concave and convex
He could screw either sex
And jerk himself off in between


There once was a rabbi named Keith
Who circumcised men with his teeth
To be right in his measure 
Plus the sensual pleasure
He sucked on the cheese underneath

There once was a man from Pompeii
Made a vagina one day out of clay
Tthe heat from his prick
Turned the clay into brick
And tore all his foreskin away

There once was a girl from Hoboken
Who swore her cherry was broken
From riding her bike
On a high mountain pike
It was really broken from pokin'
There once was a man named O'Toole
Found two crimson spots on his tool
His doctor -  a cynic
"Get out of my clinic ! "
And wipe off that lipstick, you fool


https://www.ba-bamail.com/jokes/dirty-limericks/?onelinerid=5769
Picture
N.B. Limerick authors include Adrian De Kuyper, Jamyca Soria, Jim Sheldrick and of course, Anonymous
​Also go to:  
https://www.ba-bamail.com/jokes/dirty-limericks/?onelinerid=5815
​
Oxymorons
An oxymoron, (from Greek ὀξύμωρον, "sharp dull") is a figure of speech that combines contradictory terms. Oxymora appear in a variety of contexts, including inadvertent errors such as ground pilot and literary oxymorons crafted to reveal a paradox.

steel wool
​constant change
jumbo shrimp
ladies' man
pretty ugly
pro contra
epoch times
marineland
uninvited guest
found missing
old news
bittersweet
medical miracle


civil disobedience
double solitaire
terribly good
barely dressed
act naturally
resident alien
settle up
somewhat irrefutable
sweet tart
terribly nice 
never again
growing smaller


alone together
anxious patient
rolling stop
invisible ink
abundant poverty
zero deficit
virginal intercourse
free trade
beaver moon
organized confusion
only choice
paid volunteer



Limericks are brought to you by:

Page Tturner
Griffin Furlong
Tyler Flockhart
Wylie Sheridan
Frosty Woolridge
Bergstrom Kyser
Amanda Reckonwith
Cliff Hanger
Curb Crawler and many other shiftless layabouts


Quotables are brought you by Nestor Golditz.

Most people aren't paying for sex. They're paying for the girl to leave.
The Dow is falling faster than a whore falls to her knees to pick up her cash.
Play me some gestation music while we fuck.
A decent provision for the poor is the true test of civilization.
Canada Customs couldn't conduct a one car funeral without screwing up.
Whoever says, May the best man win never asks a woman to play.
Fifty shades of paranoid delusional, narcissistic personality disorder.
A loyal friend is worth a thousand relatives.
An empty kettle emits no steam.
For the happiest life, days should be rigorously planned; nights left open to chance.
It's better to be thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.
You're mother has no reason to be proud of you.  She should have tossed the baby in the blue bin and raised the placenta instead.

She looks really ugly; like the back of my nutsack after a hockey game.
Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
She's crazier than a shit house rat!
He's not worth a piece of squirrel skin stretched over a mosquito's ass.
Like a busted toilet, the left keeps bringing up the same shit every time.
That's all we need in this country; more twenty- somethings sniffing their big paychecks up their noses.

"I certainly wish you would have invented a more reasonable story. I feel distinctly like an idiot repeating it".
Peter Lorre to Humphrey Bogart in The Maltese Falcon

We don't have to be imprisoned by choices we've made in the past.
I like to reminisce with people I don't know. I know it takes a little longer, but at least we can have the conversation. 
I don't know the key to success but I know the key to failure is trying to please everybody. Bill Cosby
True intelligence is the ability to understand and empathize with all points of view.

I have a few good reasons for living
And one just entered my head
If a man can't drink while he's living
How the Hell can he drink when he's dead?

If you always tell the truth, you don't have to remember what you said. Mark Twain
it's easier to fool someone than to convince someone they're being fooled. Mark Twain
If you can achieve something without a struggle, it's not going to be satisfying.
A physician can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

"Never play anything that don't sound right. You might not make any money but at least won't get hostile with yourself."
Quote from Reggie Duval who was a dance hall pianist and good friend of Hoagy Carmichael.

God is a bronze age mechanism of social manipulation. 
Religion is like a penis. So don't try to shove it down my family's throat.
America is England's fault.
You're a pack of chintzy pizmires.

Here's to ya. Who's like ya. Damn few and they're all dead. Moir's the pity!

You sheep shaggers, goat-fuckers and rug flyers:  all you people, wake up and smell the brimstone!
HUMOUR (3) LIMERICKS AND OXYMORONS 
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