HUMOUR (3) LIMERICKS AND OXYMORONS

A nympho who came from St. Jude
Loved making love in the nude
She I said, “What the fuck?
 If I slurp and I suck.
I do it because it’s so lewd.”

While sucking his pecker in May
She cried out, Hey, What the hay?”
She gave one more fast lick
He came rather quick
For sure, it’s the first day in May.

One morning while sucking your dick
You said you can come really quick
On this sun-shiny day
 On the first day of May
Out of you, Dear, I get quite a kick

The limerick is furtive and mean
You must keep her in close quarantine
Or she sneaks to the slums
And promptly becomes
Disorderly, drunk and obscene

There was a young plumber named Lee
Who lay plumbing his girl by the sea.
She said, “Oh! Stop plumbing!
There's somebody coming!”
Said the plumber, still plumbing, “It's me.”

There was a young man from Karthoum
Took a lesbian up to his room
They argued all night
Over who had the right
To do what, and with which, and to whom

There was a young fellow named Dave
Who kept a dead whore in a cave
He said, "I'll admit,
I'm a bit of a shit,
But look at the money I save."

There was a young fellow named Hall
Who died in the spring from a fall.
T'would have been a bad thing
Had he died in the spring
But he didn't. He died in the fall

There was a young girl from Rabat
Who had triplets: Nan, Pat, and Tat.
It was fun in the breeding
But hell in the feeding,
 She found she had no tit for Tat

There was an old man with a beard
Who said, "It's just as I feared
Two owls and a hen
Four larks and a wren
Have all built their nests in my beard.”

There was an enchanting young bride
Who ate many green apples and died
The apples fermented
Inside the lamented
And made cider inside her inside

There once was a mathematician
Who preferred an exotic position
T'was the joy of his life
To achieve with his wife
Topologically complex coition

A swimmer whose clothing got strewed
By breezes that left her quite nude
Saw a man come along,
And unless we are wrong
You expected this line to be lewd

There was a young lady from Nachez
Whose clothing was always in patches
When she was asked why
She replied with a sigh
“Because, when Ah itches, Ah scratches.”

A Canadian guy they call Jim
Took his wife to the beach on a whim
They tossed and they tossed
A ball that got lost
Now both of them knows how to swim

Your name-calling's slightly moronic
Jim fashioned a replica optic
Now Perli's renewed
And Facebook got screwed
He conned all the pixels robotic

Now Perli I say this for certain
Your shack was without a curtain
And one day in Autumn
You scorched your old bottom
By doing bad items verboten

An older old hag we’ll call Perli
Whose hair was yellow and curly
She had always her fun
When she fucked an old nun
Catholics will never tell, verily?

The clothes Perli's wearing are grey
But that’s not a problem, they say
For alas and forsooth
She’ll put on houndstooth
If fashion’s at all here at play

Perli once had an old lover
Who said, “They will never discover
The slits in my pants
Were made by old aunts
Who loved fucking dogs they called Rover.”

Hey Perli your east-facing window-sill
Is full of white tulips from Baldwinsville
Know this and I say
For back in the day
We found your conundrum uphill

There was a young lady from Yap
Who had acne all over her map
In her interstices
Lurked a far worse disease
Commonly known to most folks as the clap

There once was a girl named Irene
Who lived on distilled kerosene
But she started absorbin'
A new hydrocarbon
Since then she has never benzene

There was a young man from Nantucket
Whose prick was so long he could suck it
He said with a grin
As he wiped off his chin
“If my ear were a cunt I would fuck it.”

While Titian was mixing rose madder
His model ascended a ladder
Her position to Titian
Suggested coition
So he climbed up the ladder and had her

There once was a nympho named Jill
Who tried dynamite just for a thrill
They found her vagina
In North Carolina
And bits of her tits in Brazil

A man got a look at the titty
Of the well-endowed, curvy Miss Kitty
He imagined his life
With that gal as his wife
In his harem at Casa de Mitty

A mischievous young whore from Perdue
Filled her vagina with glue
She said with a grin
If they pay to get in
They can pay to get out of it too

There once was a man in a bucket
Played rugby with friends and would ruck it
One day he missed out
On selection no doubt
So the next day he told them to fuck it

A chicken ran fast 'cross a road
Upon leaving her comfy abode
When they asked of her "Why?"
She replied "To get pie
Slightly warmed in a dish a la mode."

A crafty young bard named McMahon
Whose poetry never would scan
Once said, with a pause
“It's probably because
I'm always trying to cram as many extra syllables into the last line as I possibly can.”

There once was a fellow from Dundas
Whose balls were made of brass
When they clanged together,
They played "Stormy Weather"
And lightning shot out of his ass

About lim’ricks, I truly have passion
I guess that it's love in a fashion
For a rhyme is like breathing
And without it I’m seething
Have compassion; don’t ask me to ration

Birthdays can be so traumatic
The years counted by are so frantic
"Don't worry," they say,
Like the first day in May
The fellatio's always fantastic."

There once was a fellow from Kent
Whose pecker was crooked and bent
When he ran into trouble
He shoved it in double
And instead of coming he went

There once was a girl from Anheuser
Who thought that no man could surprise her
But Pabst took a chance
Found Shlitz in her pants
And now she is sadder Budweiser

There was a young fellow from Norway
Who hung by his heels from the doorway
He said with a grin
As his girlfriend walked in
"Look dear, I've just found one more way."

Two brothers named Wong couldn't quite
Pull off their first aero-plane flight
When their rig crashed and burned
They finally learned
Two Wongs do not make a Wright

There was a young fellow named Clyde
Who fell in an outhouse and died
Along came his brother
And fell in another
Now they're buried, (interred) side by side

There was a young fellow of Lyme
Who lived with three wives at a time.
When asked, “Why the third?”
He replied, “One’s absurd,
“And bigamy, sir, is a crime.”
- Anonymous

There was a sweet lassie named Harriet
Who would take on two lads in a chariot,
Six monks and four tailors,
Nine priests and eight sailors,
Mohammed and Judas Iscariot.
- Anonymous

An uncertain young woman named Fern
Was so great she had lovers to burn.
She got into bed
With both Johnny and Fred
And didn’t know which way to turn.
- Anonymous

There once were two ladies from Wingham
Now I`ll tell you a story concerning 'em
They lifted the frock
And diddled the cock
Of the Bishop as he was confirming 'em

​A geezer who lived in Mount Vain
Looked south for his brother Omain
Both Sandy and Rick
Two nipples, one dick
Went off to Jamaica in vain

Now the bishop was nobody's fool
Cuz he`d been to a large public school
So he dropped down his britches
And diddled those bitches
With his six-inch Episcopal tool

There was an old fart from Mount Vain
Who looked for a guy named Omain
Both Sandy and Rick
Had no luck to pick 
For they went to Jamaica in vain

Said one girl as the Bishop withdrew,
“Not bad for a Bishop, 'tis true.
But the prick of the vicar
Is thicker and quicker
And three inches longer than you!”

A woman whose hair was in strands
Met gentlemen from western oil lands
She rented her twat
Each hour, she was bought
By tar men and girls from the Northland

There’s no place that’s less adversarial
Than that wonderful province Ontario
Christian, Moslem or Jew
They don’t care what you do
You’re respected from birth unto burial

Two seniors set out on a trek
Through the mountains of northern Quebec
All went very well
Till they found a hotel
And then she just wanted to neck

A visiting nun from New Brunswick
Saw a doctor in  downtown Ahuntsic
She immediately knew
This was worse than the flu
The doc said,“Tabernac this nun’s sick!”

In Quebec everyone except moi
Speaks a French that they call Quebecois
I just sit there and grin
While I eat my poutin
‘Cause Francais je ne parle pas

The winters in old Manitoba
Are atrociously cold when you’re sober
That’s why in Winnipeg
They drink beer by the keg
Commencing in early October

Ask any farmer in Saskatchewan
The province out west there, that’s the one
Want a duck or a goose?
A deer or a moose?
He’ll jump in his pickup and catch you one

A young girl with black hair in strands
Met a guy from Alberta with soiled hands
Although she was purty
She liked her men dirty
Now they play like two kids in tar sands

I’m a rancher, a farmer, a herder
A cowboy, and let me say further
Every cow shows my brand
And I own all the land
Between Calgary and Lethbridge Alberta

A suntan is sure to become ya
So go visit British Columbia
In the sunshine you’ll roast
You’ll just love the west coast
Though the rain will eventually numb ya

A helicopter pilot from Newfoundland
Could best be described as aloof and bland
If he came to a town
And wished to put down
He would simply pick out a flat roof and land

Last spring on the top floor we stare again
At our skyscraper’s resident peregrine
She takes care of her chicks
Shows them bird-hunting tricks
We hope that next spring she’ll be there again

When stationed in Camp Petawawa
As a mascot we had a chihuahua
He went with us to war
But alas, he’s no more
He was killed sniffing bombs in Okinawa

Excuse me kind Sir, is this Newfoundland?
I don’t know it’s a question of who found land
If I found land, few
would consider it new
‘tWould be Newfoundland only if you found land

Two hundred women and counting
May gather together in flounting
The love-style  of James
"Made me feel like a dame."
She said, of his lovemaking, ever so daunting

A car dealer in Tuktoyaktuk
Put a truck bed on an old Bangkok tuc-tuc
Now the dealership thrives
As everyone drives
A Tuktoyaktuk Toyota tuc-tuc truck

There once was a man they called Jim
Who lived life much of his life on a whim
A ladies' man, sure
His technique will endure
When soon comes the new millenium

You can’t help but feel the emotion
And the bond people have with the ocean
Have a swim, catch a fish
Visit Antigonish
There’s so much to being Nova Scotian

There once was a woman on nine
Who wrote with her pen so sublime
When a man gets a view
Of her scintillating cue
He writes, as one hopes, just in time

An Irishman was often prone to mutter
Peeked through a hole in a shutter
All he could see
Was a prostitute’s knee
And the bum of the chap that was up her

N.B. Limerick authors include Adrian De Kuyper, Jim Sheldrick and, of course, Anonymous

Oxymorons
An oxymoron, (from Greek ὀξύμωρον, "sharp dull") is a figure of speech that combines contradictory terms. Oxymora appear in a variety of contexts, including inadvertent errors such as ground pilot and literary oxymorons crafted to reveal a paradox.

steel wool
​constant change
jumbo shrimp
ladies' man
pretty ugly
pro contra
epoch times
marineland
uninvited guest
found missing
old news
bittersweet
medical miracle

civil disobedience
double solitaire
terribly good
barely dressed
act naturally
resident alien
settle up
somewhat irrefutable
sweet tart
terribly nice 
never again
growing smaller

alone together
anxious patient
rolling stop
invisible ink
abundant poverty
zero deficit
virginal intercourse
free trade
beaver moon
organized confusion
only choice
paid volunteer

HUMOUR (3) LIMERICKS AND OXYMORONS