HUMOUR (1)
The genius of Monty Python is that they seemed genuinely fascinated with human nature/psychology and how it forcefully, yet comically, steers the course of history. Such a brilliant movie in every respect. My favourite scene has to be where Brian tells the mob that they are all individuals and can make up their own minds and they all chant "yes we are all individuals", except for a lone voice who says "I'm not"...
Two engineers meet each other on the way to work.
One of them has a new bike, and the other one asks where he got it.
"Well," the first one says, "It's the funniest damn story ever!".
A beautiful woman rode up to me, threw down her bike, ripped off her clothes, and said,
"Take whatever you want."
"Good choice," said the other engineer, "The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you."
One of them has a new bike, and the other one asks where he got it.
"Well," the first one says, "It's the funniest damn story ever!".
A beautiful woman rode up to me, threw down her bike, ripped off her clothes, and said,
"Take whatever you want."
"Good choice," said the other engineer, "The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you."
A Jewish couple had been married for over 50 years and had many children and grandchildren.
One day, the eldest son calls his father for a normal chat and his father starts musing......
“You know son, after 50 years, I’m not really in love with your mother any more. I’m thinking of getting a divorce and leaving her.”
The son is absolutely shocked and says “Dad, please don’t do anything rash. You love Mom!
You’ve had 50 wonderful years together.
I’m going to call all of my siblings and we’re going to figure this out”.
Panicked, the son calls all of his siblings and asks them what they should do.
All of the siblings agree that this situation needs some serious intervention and they all happened to be free in two weeks.
The son calls his father back and says “Dad, please hold out for two more weeks. All of my siblings and I will be home to talk some sense into you. You can’t just abandon this loving, amazing marriage.”
His father considers it for a minute or so and says “Okay, but this is going to be tough. I’ll hold off on my decision.”
The son, relieved, hangs up after telling his father he loves him.
The father walks quickly into the other room and says to his wife
“GREAT NEWS honey! All of our kids will be here for the holidays and they're buying their own tickets!”
One day, the eldest son calls his father for a normal chat and his father starts musing......
“You know son, after 50 years, I’m not really in love with your mother any more. I’m thinking of getting a divorce and leaving her.”
The son is absolutely shocked and says “Dad, please don’t do anything rash. You love Mom!
You’ve had 50 wonderful years together.
I’m going to call all of my siblings and we’re going to figure this out”.
Panicked, the son calls all of his siblings and asks them what they should do.
All of the siblings agree that this situation needs some serious intervention and they all happened to be free in two weeks.
The son calls his father back and says “Dad, please hold out for two more weeks. All of my siblings and I will be home to talk some sense into you. You can’t just abandon this loving, amazing marriage.”
His father considers it for a minute or so and says “Okay, but this is going to be tough. I’ll hold off on my decision.”
The son, relieved, hangs up after telling his father he loves him.
The father walks quickly into the other room and says to his wife
“GREAT NEWS honey! All of our kids will be here for the holidays and they're buying their own tickets!”
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An Irishman is in the bar, drinking a pint of Guinness. A lady next To him says,
“What a coincidence, I am having Guinness too.”
Irish man – “I’m celebrating.”
Lady – “Me too.”
Irish man – “What a coincidence! Why are you celebrating?”
Lady – “My husband & I have tried for 4 years for a baby. Today, I’m pregnant!”
Irishman – “What a coincidence! I am a farmer. For 4 years my hens couldn’t lay any eggs. Today all hens are laying eggs!”
Lady – “Wow! How did that happen?”
Irishman – “I used a different cock.”
Lady smiled and said, “What a coincidence!”
“What a coincidence, I am having Guinness too.”
Irish man – “I’m celebrating.”
Lady – “Me too.”
Irish man – “What a coincidence! Why are you celebrating?”
Lady – “My husband & I have tried for 4 years for a baby. Today, I’m pregnant!”
Irishman – “What a coincidence! I am a farmer. For 4 years my hens couldn’t lay any eggs. Today all hens are laying eggs!”
Lady – “Wow! How did that happen?”
Irishman – “I used a different cock.”
Lady smiled and said, “What a coincidence!”
Is This Vagina-Inspired Kayak Obscene? Japan Thinks So
Tokyo - Japan - A Japanese artist who made a kayak modeled on her vagina said on Wednesday she was outraged by her arrest and vowed a court fight against obscenity charges. Megumi Igarashi, 42, says she was challenging a culture of discrimination against discussion of the vagina in Japanese society.
Igarashi, who worked under the alias Rokudenashiko, which, in the Japanese language means, "good-for-nothing girl". She built a yellow kayak with a top shaped like her vagina after raising about $10,000 through crowdfunding. Igarashi sent 3D printer data of her scanned vagina – the digital basis for her kayak project - as a thanks to a number of donors. She was arrested for distributing indecent material and faces up to two years in prison and a fine of up to $25,000.
The legal definition of what counts as obscenity is vague in Japan, and the key point of debate will be deciding whether the vagina itself can be considered obscene, lead defense lawyer Kazuyuki Minami said.
Although Japan has an extensive pornography industry, it remains regulated by a section of the criminal code that dates back to 1907. Video pornography in Japan has often used digital mosaics to obscure genitalia in sex scenes as a way to avoid obscenity charges.
Igarashi, who worked under the alias Rokudenashiko, which, in the Japanese language means, "good-for-nothing girl". She built a yellow kayak with a top shaped like her vagina after raising about $10,000 through crowdfunding. Igarashi sent 3D printer data of her scanned vagina – the digital basis for her kayak project - as a thanks to a number of donors. She was arrested for distributing indecent material and faces up to two years in prison and a fine of up to $25,000.
The legal definition of what counts as obscenity is vague in Japan, and the key point of debate will be deciding whether the vagina itself can be considered obscene, lead defense lawyer Kazuyuki Minami said.
Although Japan has an extensive pornography industry, it remains regulated by a section of the criminal code that dates back to 1907. Video pornography in Japan has often used digital mosaics to obscure genitalia in sex scenes as a way to avoid obscenity charges.
John Legend walks into the room with a duck under his arm and says to his wife, " This is the pig I've been sleeping with." Chrissy looks at the duck and says " Ah, that's a duck, not a pig." John replied, " I was talking to the duck."
Monty Python swansong will surprise
London - England - June 02 - 2014 - Everybody expects the Spanish Inquisition. And as with all things Monty Python, fans need to expect the unexpected, too.
Next month the surviving Monty Python members reunite onstage for the first time in almost 35 years — and, they say, the last time ever. Fans understandably want to see the anarchic comedy troupe's classic skits. They're hoping for Spam, lumberjacks, dead parrots and of course the red-robed cardinals who burst in to proclaim: "Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!"
Troupe member Eric Idle assures fans they will get the old favorites — but they are also in for surprises. "I've got one or two up my sleeve that will absolutely freak people out," said Idle, who has taken the lead on assembling the 10 performances at London's O2 Arena.
The "Monty Python Live (mostly)" shows will take place between July 1 and July 20, with the final performance beamed live into movie theaters worldwide — including hundreds in the United States. More screenings are planned on July 23, 24 and Aug. 6. Tickets for the U.S. screenings were going on sale Monday.
THE NUMBERS, MUSICAL AND OTHERWISE
"It's not five old guys on a stage doing old sketches," Idle said of the show, which has a budget of $3.5 million. He spoke by phone to The Associated Press from Seattle.
The 15,000-seat stadium will be filled with the help of a live orchestra, film footage, special effects and Terry Gilliam's surreal animation. There will be plenty of "rude songs and rude dancing" from an ensemble of 20 singers and dancers — the approach Idle adopted during his performance at the 2012 Olympics closing ceremony.
"Who wants to look at a bunch of old guys? Put some attractive young people onstage," said Idle, at 71 the youngest of the group. "That's my Broadway background. It's what I learned from 'Spamalot.'" The sixth member of Monty Python, Graham Chapman, died of cancer in 1989 but will be present in recorded form. Carol Cleveland, who appeared regularly on the Pythons' 1970s TV show, will also take part.
"It's a revue — 'Deja Revue,' as I call it," Idle said. "What I've tried to do is make a sort of necklace — and we'll be the jewels. I've tried to make it segue into each other like the old Python shows used to do."
A FEW SURPRISES
Idle began by asking Gilliam, Michael Palin, John Cleese and Terry Jones for their favorite Python nuggets. "I've tried to do things we've never done onstage as well," he said. "Python has always tried to push the expectation level, and just be a little bit more than they could possibly hope for. I think that's one of its secrets — it's always been, 'Well this will really surprise them.'"
Idle says he's looking forward to the live transmission's potential for chaos. "You don't normally have that opportunity to dry and be embarrassing and hopeless onscreen."
COMIC CAMARADERIE
Idle said the atmosphere among the five group members was "delightful" — though Gilliam, now a film and opera director, branded the reunion "depressing" in a recent British newspaper interview.
"I think he's the most insecure about being in it," Idle said. "He isn't really a comedian. "But of course his animations are staggering, and at 80 feet wide they look great." The five comedians have had their disagreements over the years — but, crucially, they still make one another laugh.
"I think everybody is much mellower, and happy," Idle said. "People are very funny about each other. And sometimes people think we are attacking each other, but it actually is not that. It's permission to say anything, which is lovely."
Idle said he was "wonderful" to watch comedy partners Cleese and Palin during a read-through for the farewell show. "I could watch them all evening. It doesn't matter that I know the stuff. They're just funny. And that's what will make it special."
A LAST LAUGH
All the members of Monty Python have had busy solo careers, taking in television, movies, theater, books and opera. They've reunited because — to be blunt — they needed money. The five were left with a large legal bill last year after losing a lawsuit brought by movie producer Mark Forstater over royalties from the stage musical "Spamalot."
"We were in a mess," Idle said, until an adviser suggested putting on a show to clear the debt. "It changed everything round, and everybody got excited." But he says it will never happen again. "It's the last shout," Idle said. "A) We're extremely old and b) it takes a lot to get this sort of thing together. Everybody has other things they like to do."
BLAME CANADA
With just under a month until the July 1 kickoff, Idle has one gripe. It's about the Royal Canadian Mounted Police, whose scarlet tunics are essential to a famous skit featuring a singing, cross-dressing lumberjack.
"The Mounties have seized all Mountie uniforms throughout the world, so you can't get them anymore," Idle said. "But we're not going to be stopped from doing 'The Lumberjack Song' no matter what they do. So we may be up for extradition."
Online: http://www.montypythonlive.com/
Follow Jill Lawless at http://Twitter.com/JillLawless
Next month the surviving Monty Python members reunite onstage for the first time in almost 35 years — and, they say, the last time ever. Fans understandably want to see the anarchic comedy troupe's classic skits. They're hoping for Spam, lumberjacks, dead parrots and of course the red-robed cardinals who burst in to proclaim: "Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!"
Troupe member Eric Idle assures fans they will get the old favorites — but they are also in for surprises. "I've got one or two up my sleeve that will absolutely freak people out," said Idle, who has taken the lead on assembling the 10 performances at London's O2 Arena.
The "Monty Python Live (mostly)" shows will take place between July 1 and July 20, with the final performance beamed live into movie theaters worldwide — including hundreds in the United States. More screenings are planned on July 23, 24 and Aug. 6. Tickets for the U.S. screenings were going on sale Monday.
THE NUMBERS, MUSICAL AND OTHERWISE
"It's not five old guys on a stage doing old sketches," Idle said of the show, which has a budget of $3.5 million. He spoke by phone to The Associated Press from Seattle.
The 15,000-seat stadium will be filled with the help of a live orchestra, film footage, special effects and Terry Gilliam's surreal animation. There will be plenty of "rude songs and rude dancing" from an ensemble of 20 singers and dancers — the approach Idle adopted during his performance at the 2012 Olympics closing ceremony.
"Who wants to look at a bunch of old guys? Put some attractive young people onstage," said Idle, at 71 the youngest of the group. "That's my Broadway background. It's what I learned from 'Spamalot.'" The sixth member of Monty Python, Graham Chapman, died of cancer in 1989 but will be present in recorded form. Carol Cleveland, who appeared regularly on the Pythons' 1970s TV show, will also take part.
"It's a revue — 'Deja Revue,' as I call it," Idle said. "What I've tried to do is make a sort of necklace — and we'll be the jewels. I've tried to make it segue into each other like the old Python shows used to do."
A FEW SURPRISES
Idle began by asking Gilliam, Michael Palin, John Cleese and Terry Jones for their favorite Python nuggets. "I've tried to do things we've never done onstage as well," he said. "Python has always tried to push the expectation level, and just be a little bit more than they could possibly hope for. I think that's one of its secrets — it's always been, 'Well this will really surprise them.'"
Idle says he's looking forward to the live transmission's potential for chaos. "You don't normally have that opportunity to dry and be embarrassing and hopeless onscreen."
COMIC CAMARADERIE
Idle said the atmosphere among the five group members was "delightful" — though Gilliam, now a film and opera director, branded the reunion "depressing" in a recent British newspaper interview.
"I think he's the most insecure about being in it," Idle said. "He isn't really a comedian. "But of course his animations are staggering, and at 80 feet wide they look great." The five comedians have had their disagreements over the years — but, crucially, they still make one another laugh.
"I think everybody is much mellower, and happy," Idle said. "People are very funny about each other. And sometimes people think we are attacking each other, but it actually is not that. It's permission to say anything, which is lovely."
Idle said he was "wonderful" to watch comedy partners Cleese and Palin during a read-through for the farewell show. "I could watch them all evening. It doesn't matter that I know the stuff. They're just funny. And that's what will make it special."
A LAST LAUGH
All the members of Monty Python have had busy solo careers, taking in television, movies, theater, books and opera. They've reunited because — to be blunt — they needed money. The five were left with a large legal bill last year after losing a lawsuit brought by movie producer Mark Forstater over royalties from the stage musical "Spamalot."
"We were in a mess," Idle said, until an adviser suggested putting on a show to clear the debt. "It changed everything round, and everybody got excited." But he says it will never happen again. "It's the last shout," Idle said. "A) We're extremely old and b) it takes a lot to get this sort of thing together. Everybody has other things they like to do."
BLAME CANADA
With just under a month until the July 1 kickoff, Idle has one gripe. It's about the Royal Canadian Mounted Police, whose scarlet tunics are essential to a famous skit featuring a singing, cross-dressing lumberjack.
"The Mounties have seized all Mountie uniforms throughout the world, so you can't get them anymore," Idle said. "But we're not going to be stopped from doing 'The Lumberjack Song' no matter what they do. So we may be up for extradition."
Online: http://www.montypythonlive.com/
Follow Jill Lawless at http://Twitter.com/JillLawless
Marital problems do have a solution
Last time I was in New York City, I noticed about 200 men walking down the street behind two hearses.
I stopped one of the guys and asked him if someone important had just died because of the size of the line he was in.
He said his mother-in-law was in the first hearse.
I asked him how she died and he said that his dog bit her.
Then I asked him who was in the second hearse and he said his wife.
I asked him how she died.
He said that his dog bit her too.
So I asked him if there was any chance that I could borrow his dog.
He said, "Sorry buddy! You'll have to stand in line!"
I stopped one of the guys and asked him if someone important had just died because of the size of the line he was in.
He said his mother-in-law was in the first hearse.
I asked him how she died and he said that his dog bit her.
Then I asked him who was in the second hearse and he said his wife.
I asked him how she died.
He said that his dog bit her too.
So I asked him if there was any chance that I could borrow his dog.
He said, "Sorry buddy! You'll have to stand in line!"
Stay away from Toronto unless you want yellow, moisture-resistant tickets on your windshield
Working people frequently ask me what we retired folks do to make our days interesting.
For example, the other day I went downtown to Badali's on Front.
I was only there for about 5 minutes to make a dinner reservation and when I came out,
there was a lousy cop writing out a parking ticket.
I said to him, "Come on, man, Jesus Christ! How about giving a retired person a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a "Nazi."
He glared at me and wrote another ticket for having worn tires.
So I told him he's a "honey-dipped, cruller-eating gestapo piece of crap and that his eyes were glazed over".
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he wrote a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
For example, the other day I went downtown to Badali's on Front.
I was only there for about 5 minutes to make a dinner reservation and when I came out,
there was a lousy cop writing out a parking ticket.
I said to him, "Come on, man, Jesus Christ! How about giving a retired person a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a "Nazi."
He glared at me and wrote another ticket for having worn tires.
So I told him he's a "honey-dipped, cruller-eating gestapo piece of crap and that his eyes were glazed over".
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he wrote a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, I didn't care.
I brought the bus downtown and the cop was putting tickets on a car that belonged to some day trader on Bay Street.
I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired.
It's important to my health.
I brought the bus downtown and the cop was putting tickets on a car that belonged to some day trader on Bay Street.
I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired.
It's important to my health.
A man and his wife were getting dressed to go to a costume party together one Hallowe'en, but when the time came to go to the party, the woman told her husband to go on without her, because she said she had a terrible headache.
Reluctantly, her husband went along alone while his suspicious wife decided to see just how faithful her man really was.
She put on a different costume and went to the party.
When she got there she saw her husband dancing with a young girl in a sexy costume.
Now, even more suspicious, she decided to really put him to the test.
She danced with him and whispered that they should sneak into a bedroom.
She insisted they leave the masks on and had sex with him.
Fuming, she ran home to wait for his return.
When he got there, she innocently asked if he had fun.
He told her he did not.
After a few minutes at the party, he and some guys went across the street to play poker.
"But the guy who borrowed my costume said he had one hell of a good time!"
Reluctantly, her husband went along alone while his suspicious wife decided to see just how faithful her man really was.
She put on a different costume and went to the party.
When she got there she saw her husband dancing with a young girl in a sexy costume.
Now, even more suspicious, she decided to really put him to the test.
She danced with him and whispered that they should sneak into a bedroom.
She insisted they leave the masks on and had sex with him.
Fuming, she ran home to wait for his return.
When he got there, she innocently asked if he had fun.
He told her he did not.
After a few minutes at the party, he and some guys went across the street to play poker.
"But the guy who borrowed my costume said he had one hell of a good time!"
New message from Castro's Son
Trudeau, the Canadian Prime Minister, announced today that the Maple Leaf Emblem will be changed to the new
Condom Emblem because the condom more accurately reflects the Left Wing political ideology.
The condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives all Canadians a sense of security while they're actually being screwed.
Condom Emblem because the condom more accurately reflects the Left Wing political ideology.
The condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives all Canadians a sense of security while they're actually being screwed.
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The Trudeau Government's economic recovery plan
To help rescue the economy, the Trudeau Government will announce next month that the Immigration Department will start deporting seniors, (instead of migrants and illegals) in order to lower Old Age Pensions and Health Care costs.
Older people are easier to catch and they likely won’t remember how to get back home.
I started to cry when I thought of you.
Then it dawned on me.... Oh, shit! I'll see you on the bus!
Older people are easier to catch and they likely won’t remember how to get back home.
I started to cry when I thought of you.
Then it dawned on me.... Oh, shit! I'll see you on the bus!
Mrs. Antonelli visits her son Anthony for dinner where he lives with Maria. During the course of the meal, his mother started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Maria and I are just roommates.''
About a week later, Maria said, "Anthony, ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find our silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" "Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote an email:
Dear Mama,
I'm not saying that you did take the sugar bowl from my house, I'm not saying that you did not take it, but the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Your Loving Son
Anthony
Several days later, Anthony received a response email from his Mama which read:
Dear Son,
I'm not saying that you do sleep with Maria, and I'm not saying that you do not sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.
Your Loving Mama
About a week later, Maria said, "Anthony, ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find our silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" "Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote an email:
Dear Mama,
I'm not saying that you did take the sugar bowl from my house, I'm not saying that you did not take it, but the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Your Loving Son
Anthony
Several days later, Anthony received a response email from his Mama which read:
Dear Son,
I'm not saying that you do sleep with Maria, and I'm not saying that you do not sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.
Your Loving Mama
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Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. "In honour of this Holy Season," Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The man from America fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on and said, "This represents a candle." "You may pass through the Pearly Gates." Saint Peter said.
The man from England reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "And these are bells."
Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the Pearly Gates, as well."
The Canadian started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of womens' panties.
Saint Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The Canadian replied, " These are Carol's."
The man from America fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on and said, "This represents a candle." "You may pass through the Pearly Gates." Saint Peter said.
The man from England reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "And these are bells."
Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the Pearly Gates, as well."
The Canadian started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of womens' panties.
Saint Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The Canadian replied, " These are Carol's."
George Burns had a conversation with a woman who was a little suspicious of her new psychiatrist
because he had a double bed in his office instead of a couch.
"Should I go to him?", she asked.
George said, "Go to him. Why would a double bed make you suspicious?
Maybe he likes to take a nap between patients.
Maybe he's got a bad back.
Maybe his nurse has a bad back.
If you don't have faith in people, lady, you'll never get well."
because he had a double bed in his office instead of a couch.
"Should I go to him?", she asked.
George said, "Go to him. Why would a double bed make you suspicious?
Maybe he likes to take a nap between patients.
Maybe he's got a bad back.
Maybe his nurse has a bad back.
If you don't have faith in people, lady, you'll never get well."
A woman took her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor and the doctor says, "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?"
The mother says, "It's my daughter Barbie. She keeps getting these cravings for pickles and ice cream in the middle of the night.
She's putting on a few pounds, and she's sick to her stomach most mornings."
The doctor gives Barbie a thorough examination, then turns to the mother and says,
"Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your lovely daughter is pregnant-- about 4 months pregnant, would be my guess."
The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be pregnant! She's never ever been left alone with a man, have you, Barbie?"
Barbie says, "No Mother! You're right! I am a virgin and I've never had sex with a man. I haven't even been kissed my a man!"
Just then, the doctor walked over to the window and gazed out the window for ten minutes or so.
Finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?"
The doctor replies, "No, not really, Mrs. Jones. It's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east
and three wise men came up over the hill. I'll be damned if I'm going to miss it this time!"
The mother says, "It's my daughter Barbie. She keeps getting these cravings for pickles and ice cream in the middle of the night.
She's putting on a few pounds, and she's sick to her stomach most mornings."
The doctor gives Barbie a thorough examination, then turns to the mother and says,
"Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your lovely daughter is pregnant-- about 4 months pregnant, would be my guess."
The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be pregnant! She's never ever been left alone with a man, have you, Barbie?"
Barbie says, "No Mother! You're right! I am a virgin and I've never had sex with a man. I haven't even been kissed my a man!"
Just then, the doctor walked over to the window and gazed out the window for ten minutes or so.
Finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?"
The doctor replies, "No, not really, Mrs. Jones. It's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east
and three wise men came up over the hill. I'll be damned if I'm going to miss it this time!"
A man forgot to zip up while putting on his clothes one morning.
A woman passing by said, "Hey Mister, you left your garage open."
The man gives her a naughty smile as he zips it back up.
He asks her, "Did you see my over-sized hummer parked inside?
The woman smiles back at him and says,
"No, Sweetheart, just a Mini Cooper with two flat tires."
A woman passing by said, "Hey Mister, you left your garage open."
The man gives her a naughty smile as he zips it back up.
He asks her, "Did you see my over-sized hummer parked inside?
The woman smiles back at him and says,
"No, Sweetheart, just a Mini Cooper with two flat tires."
On the farm lived a chicken and a horse. They both loved to play together and one day the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. The horse begged the chicken to go get the farmer to help.
So the chicken ran back to the farmhouse to look for the farmer who had gone into town with the only tractor.
Running around, the chicken spied the farmers new BMW 320i sitting in there by the barn.
Finding the keys inside, the chicken sped off in the car with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend’s life.
Back at the bog, the horse was surprised but very pleased to see his friend arrive in the shiny BMW.
He managed to get hold of the rope the chicken tossed to him and after tying the rope to the rear bumper of the car,
the chicken drove slowly forward and rescued the horse.
Happy and proud, the chicken drove the BMW back to the parking spot by the barn and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The bond between the two friends was cemented for life; best buddies, best pals.
A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit and soon began to sink.
He cried out to his friend to save his life.
The horse thought for a moment, walked over and straddled the large puddle.
Looking underneath, he said to the chicken, "Grab my big dick then I'll back up and slowly lift you out!"
The chicken got a good grip on the horse's penis and successfully pulled the chicken up and out of the muck, saving his life.
"Now you're safe", said the horse, "Always remember, when you’re hung like a horse, you don’t need a BMW to pick up chicks".
So the chicken ran back to the farmhouse to look for the farmer who had gone into town with the only tractor.
Running around, the chicken spied the farmers new BMW 320i sitting in there by the barn.
Finding the keys inside, the chicken sped off in the car with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend’s life.
Back at the bog, the horse was surprised but very pleased to see his friend arrive in the shiny BMW.
He managed to get hold of the rope the chicken tossed to him and after tying the rope to the rear bumper of the car,
the chicken drove slowly forward and rescued the horse.
Happy and proud, the chicken drove the BMW back to the parking spot by the barn and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The bond between the two friends was cemented for life; best buddies, best pals.
A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit and soon began to sink.
He cried out to his friend to save his life.
The horse thought for a moment, walked over and straddled the large puddle.
Looking underneath, he said to the chicken, "Grab my big dick then I'll back up and slowly lift you out!"
The chicken got a good grip on the horse's penis and successfully pulled the chicken up and out of the muck, saving his life.
"Now you're safe", said the horse, "Always remember, when you’re hung like a horse, you don’t need a BMW to pick up chicks".
No longer is embattled Senator Mike Duffy the top target of Rick Mercer's merriment, as Mercer has selected a new target of mockery. Earlier this week, the satirical comedian took aim at Telus' Chief Marketing Officer David Fuller for comments made during a recent CRTC hearing regarding a very touchy subject for Canadians: wireless contracts. "I think a lot of customers don’t want a cap on their monthly bill," shared Fuller at the hearing in Gatineau, Quebec. "If they want a service that’s capped, well, that’s what a prepaid service can provide." For this blatant expression of lunacy, Fuller's words will forever be remembered as "the stupidest thing ever said" with a shiny commemorative plaque.
Now, in Fuller's defense, his comments were taken a little out of context. When speaking about a monthly cap on data and roaming, Fuller said that such a cap would be unnecessary if carriers are already providing their users online monitoring and push notifications. Candice Molnar, commissioner of the CRTC, strongly disagreed, noting that "not all customers want to spend their time sorting out how much data they have left, particularly in something like a family plan," Fuller wasn't even the only mobile executive to share such an opinion: Ken Engelhart, senior vice president of regulatory for Rogers, also spoke on the topic, noting that his company would prefer to have an opt-in version of a monthly cap on data and roaming.
But, alas, it was Fuller that drew the ire of Mercer, and if you haven't lost your sense of humour, the skit that ensued is sure to make more than a few Canadians laugh.
Now, in Fuller's defense, his comments were taken a little out of context. When speaking about a monthly cap on data and roaming, Fuller said that such a cap would be unnecessary if carriers are already providing their users online monitoring and push notifications. Candice Molnar, commissioner of the CRTC, strongly disagreed, noting that "not all customers want to spend their time sorting out how much data they have left, particularly in something like a family plan," Fuller wasn't even the only mobile executive to share such an opinion: Ken Engelhart, senior vice president of regulatory for Rogers, also spoke on the topic, noting that his company would prefer to have an opt-in version of a monthly cap on data and roaming.
But, alas, it was Fuller that drew the ire of Mercer, and if you haven't lost your sense of humour, the skit that ensued is sure to make more than a few Canadians laugh.
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Then there's the story of a guy from Arkansas
who froze to death in front of a whorehouse waiting for the red light to change. |
Jane was horny, so she said,"Hey Tarzan, you want some nooky?"
Jane lay down on the jungle floor all covered with leaves and spanish moss and spread her legs wide open.
"Here, Tarzan," she said, "Put your big dick here in my pussy."
Tarzan said, "It's lonely in the jungle. Tarzan use hole in tree."
He walked over to where Jane was lying and gave her a swift kick in the groin.
All bent over in pain and agony, Jane screamed at Tarzan, "Now why the Hell did you do a thing like that?
"Tarzan always check for bees first."
Jane lay down on the jungle floor all covered with leaves and spanish moss and spread her legs wide open.
"Here, Tarzan," she said, "Put your big dick here in my pussy."
Tarzan said, "It's lonely in the jungle. Tarzan use hole in tree."
He walked over to where Jane was lying and gave her a swift kick in the groin.
All bent over in pain and agony, Jane screamed at Tarzan, "Now why the Hell did you do a thing like that?
"Tarzan always check for bees first."
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HUMOUR
