HUMOUR (4)
Phil and Wendy were asleep when the phone rang at 2:00 in the morning.
Wendy picked up the phone, listened for a moment and said,
"How the hell should I know! That's 200 miles from here!"
Then she hung up.
The husband said, "Who was that, Wendy?"
"I dunno, Wendy said,
It was some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."
Two blondes are walking down the street.
One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up.
She opens it, looks in the mirror and says,
"Hmm, this person looks familiar."
The second blonde says, "Here, let me see that!"
So the first blonde hands her the compact.
The second blonde looks in the mirror and says,
"You're such a brainless wonder! It's me!'
One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up.
She opens it, looks in the mirror and says,
"Hmm, this person looks familiar."
The second blonde says, "Here, let me see that!"
So the first blonde hands her the compact.
The second blonde looks in the mirror and says,
"You're such a brainless wonder! It's me!'
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her so she goes over to walmarts and buys a gun.
She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him standing there
getting his weasel greased by a voluptuous redhead.
The blonde girlfriend is really pissed.
She opens her purse to take out the gun and as she does so, she's overcome with grief.
She takes the gun and points it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, "No honey! Don't do it!"
The blonde replies, "Shut up you miserable two-timing son-of-a-bitch!"
"You're next!"
She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him standing there
getting his weasel greased by a voluptuous redhead.
The blonde girlfriend is really pissed.
She opens her purse to take out the gun and as she does so, she's overcome with grief.
She takes the gun and points it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, "No honey! Don't do it!"
The blonde replies, "Shut up you miserable two-timing son-of-a-bitch!"
"You're next!"
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.
She proudly says, "Go ahead ask me. I know 'em all."
A friend says, "OK, smart ass, what's the capital of Wisconsin?"
The blonde replies,"Oh, that's easy. It's W."
She proudly says, "Go ahead ask me. I know 'em all."
A friend says, "OK, smart ass, what's the capital of Wisconsin?"
The blonde replies,"Oh, that's easy. It's W."
Wendy, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman sat in her U.S. Government class.
The professor asked Wendy if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was all about.
Wendy pondered the question. Finally she said,
"That was the decision that George Washington made before he crossed the Delaware."
The professor asked Wendy if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was all about.
Wendy pondered the question. Finally she said,
"That was the decision that George Washington made before he crossed the Delaware."
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized.
She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch and
shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog.
Then she sat down on the steps; she put her face in her hands and moaned,
"I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help and what do they do?"
"They send me a blind policeman!"
She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch and
shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog.
Then she sat down on the steps; she put her face in her hands and moaned,
"I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help and what do they do?"
"They send me a blind policeman!"
Q: What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
A: "Is it mine?
A: "Is it mine?
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from Los Angeles to New York.
The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game.
The blonde who is tired just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.
He says, “I ask you a question and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me five dollars and vice versa.”
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now agitated, says, “Okay, if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5
and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $500.”
This catches the blonde’s attention and figuring there will be no end to this torment, she agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question: “What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?”
The blonde doesn’t say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.
“Okay,” says the lawyer, “Your turn.”
She asks, “What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?”
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop and searches all his references … no answer.
He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the Internet and the Library of Congress … no answer.
Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and co-workers to look for answers but to no avail.
After an hour or so, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500.
The blonde thanks him and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little pissed off wakes the blonde next to him and says, “Well, what’s the answer?”
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse; hands the lawyer $5.00 and goes back to sleep.
The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game.
The blonde who is tired just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.
He says, “I ask you a question and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me five dollars and vice versa.”
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now agitated, says, “Okay, if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5
and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $500.”
This catches the blonde’s attention and figuring there will be no end to this torment, she agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question: “What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?”
The blonde doesn’t say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.
“Okay,” says the lawyer, “Your turn.”
She asks, “What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?”
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop and searches all his references … no answer.
He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the Internet and the Library of Congress … no answer.
Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and co-workers to look for answers but to no avail.
After an hour or so, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500.
The blonde thanks him and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little pissed off wakes the blonde next to him and says, “Well, what’s the answer?”
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse; hands the lawyer $5.00 and goes back to sleep.
Eight blondes walk into a bar.
One of the women tells the bartender to line up a row of drinks for all of them.
The gals lift their glasses and toast, “Here’s to 51 days!” and they proceed to down their drinks.
Once again, they tell the bartender to “line ’em up” and once again they toast 51 days and down their drinks.
The bartender says, “I don’t get it. Why the devil are you toasting 51 days?”
One of the blondes explains: “We just finished a jigsaw puzzle. The box read ‘2-4 years’
but we finished it in 51 days!”
One of the women tells the bartender to line up a row of drinks for all of them.
The gals lift their glasses and toast, “Here’s to 51 days!” and they proceed to down their drinks.
Once again, they tell the bartender to “line ’em up” and once again they toast 51 days and down their drinks.
The bartender says, “I don’t get it. Why the devil are you toasting 51 days?”
One of the blondes explains: “We just finished a jigsaw puzzle. The box read ‘2-4 years’
but we finished it in 51 days!”
Last year, I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive,
double-paned, energy-efficient kind.
Today, someone called me from Home Depot who installed them.
He complained that the work had been completed a year ago and I still had not paid for them.
HHHHellooooo? Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean I'm automatically stupid.
So, I told him exactly what the fast-talking, asshole salesman told me last year.... that these windows would pay for themselves in a year. HHHelloooo? It's been a year, so they're paid for, I told him.
On the other end of the line there was only silence so I finally hung up the phone.
He never called back.
I bet he felt like an idiot!
double-paned, energy-efficient kind.
Today, someone called me from Home Depot who installed them.
He complained that the work had been completed a year ago and I still had not paid for them.
HHHHellooooo? Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean I'm automatically stupid.
So, I told him exactly what the fast-talking, asshole salesman told me last year.... that these windows would pay for themselves in a year. HHHelloooo? It's been a year, so they're paid for, I told him.
On the other end of the line there was only silence so I finally hung up the phone.
He never called back.
I bet he felt like an idiot!
What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
A: Gifted
How do you brainwash a blonde?
Give her a douche and shake her upside down
What do you call it when a blonde dies her hair brown?
Artificial Intelligence
How does a blonde part her hair?
She spreads her legs
Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
You can park in the handicapped zone
How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
Shine a flashlight in her ear
Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
It takes too long to re-train them
What's the difference between a blonde and a computer?
You only have to punch information into a computer once
Why don't blondes eat Jello?
They can't figure out how to get two cups of water
into those little packages
What do you call a blonde with a dollar on the top of her head?
All you can eat, under a buck
Why don't blondes eat pickles?
Because they can't get their head in the jar
Why don't blondes eat bananas?
They can't find the zipper
Why do blondes wear green lipstick?
Because red means stop.
Why do blondes wear red lipstick?
Red means stop: Wrong hole
Why do blondes like the HST?
Because they can spell it
What is $78 to a blonde?
$69 plus the H.S.T.
Why do Blondes have TGIF on their shoes?
Toes Go In First
Why do Blondes have TGIF on their shirts?
Tits Go In Front
What are the two things a blonde whore does in the morning?
Introduces herself to her customer
Walks home
How does a blonde like her eggs?
Unfertilized
What's the first thing a blonde does immediately after sex?
Opens the car door
How does a blonde turn the light on after sex ?
Opens the car door
Why do blondes like tilt steering?
There's more head room
Why do blondes drive cars with sunroofs?
There's more leg room
What is the worst thing about sex with a blonde?
Short attention span
What do blondes say after sex?
Do you boys all play for Kansas City?
What important question does a blonde ask her customer before sex?
You want to pay by the hour or the flat rate?
Why do blonde girls have trouble achieving orgasm?
Who cares?
Why do blondes have orgasms ?
So they know when to stop having sex
What doe s a blonde say after reaching orgasm?
"Next?"
What event takes place when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear?
Data transfer
What does a peroxide blonde and a 767 have in common?
Both have a cockpit
What is the difference between a blonde and a 767?
Not everyone's been in a 767
What does a blonde say when she gives birth?
Is it mine?
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
Are you sure it's mine?
What do you do when a blonde throws a hand grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back
Why do blondes take the pill?
So they know what day of the month it is
If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building
who hits the ground first?
The brunette
The blonde has to stop to ask for directions
What is the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
You can only get a thumb and two fingers in a bowling ball
What's the difference between a man and a blonde?
The blonde has a higher sperm count
What's the difference between a blonde and a limousine?
Not everybody's been in a limo
What's the difference between a track team of blonde women
and a tribe of pygmies?
One is a bunch of cunning runts
What does a screen door and a blonde have in common?
The more you bang it the looser it gets
What does a blonde and a bottle of beer have in common?
They're both empty from the neck up
How do you drown a blonde?
Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool
How many blondes does it take to make chocolate chip cookies?
Ten. One to mix the dough and nine to peel the smarties.
Why was the blonde fired from the M&M factory?
For throwing out the W's
Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished
her jigsaw puzzle in only 59 days?
Because on the front of the box it says 2-4 years
Why do blondes have legs?
So they can walk to the kitchen and make me a sandwich
Why do blondes always croak after dialing emergency?
It's impossible for a blonde to remember all three numbers
What did the blonde say when asked
if she'd ever been picked up by the fuzz?
No. But once I was swung around all night long by the tits
What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side?
An interpreter
What do you call a blonde between two brunettes?
A mental block
What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear?
A wind tunnel
What do you call 15 blondes standing in a circle?
A dope ring
What do say to a blonde with a bag of sugar on her head ?
Lie down over there you sweet little cunt
What do you call a blonde in a tree holding a brief case?
Branch Manager
What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
"Look at that Marilyn, doughnut seeds"
Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails?
To cover up the valve stem
What did the blonde name her pet Leopard?
Spot
What do you see when you look into a blonde's eyes?
The back of her head
Why do blondes drive VW's
Because they can't spell Audi Quattro
Why did God create blondes?
Because sheep can't make sandwiches
Why do blondes have see-through lunch box lids?
So they know if it's morning or afternoon
Why are dumb blonde jokes so short?
Because blondes are so shallow a long joke wouldn't fit
Why are blondes like cornflakes ?
Because they're popular and they taste good
How do you know your favourite blonde has been baking chocolate chip cookies?
There are M&M shells all over the kitchen floor
How do you drive a blonde crazy?
Give her a bag of M&Ms and tell her to put them in alphabetical order
A policeman pulled a blonde over after she drove the
wrong way on a one-way street
The cop pulled her over and said "Don't you know where you were going?"
Blonde: No but it must be a bad scene cuz all the
people were leaving
A cop stops a blonde on the thruway and says
"Driver's Licence and Registration, please"
"Driver's licence? What's that?"
"It's a little card with your picture on it"
"Oh here it is"
"May I have Registration?"
"What's that?"
"It's a document that says you are allowed to drive the car."
"Oh this? Ok, Here you go"
The cop takes out his dick and waves in her face through the car window
"Ok" she says, "Another breathalyzer test? "
A husband says to his wife, "You know, Brenda, I think you should learn to use the
vacuum and the dust mop then we could do without the cleaning woman
Brenda replies, "Well, if you would learn to fuck me properly and suck my box more often,
we could do without the gardener
A blonde and a brunette were discussing their respective boyfriends
Brunette: During sex last night with Jack I had three orgasms in a row
Blonde: That's nothing, Marilyn. Last night I had over a hundred orgasms
Brunette: Crikey, I had no idea he was that good
Blonde: Oh, you mean with one guy?
Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb
One of them decides to call 911
Blonde: We need help operator. We're changing a light bulb
Operator: You put in a fresh bulb?
Blonde: Yes.
Operator: The power in the house in on?
Blonde: Yes
Operator: And the switch is on?
Blonde: Yes
Operator: And the bulb still won't light up?
Blonde: Oh, the bulb is working fine
Operator: Then what's the fucking problem?
Blonde: We're all dizzy, more so than usual, from spinning the ladder round and round
We all fell down and we really need help
What about the blonde guy whose wife gave birth to twins?
He wanted to know who the other man was
Two blondes were walking through the woods
when one blonde looked down and said "Oh, look at those deer tracks."
The other blonde looks and says "Those aren't deer tracks, Frances, those are wolf tracks"
"No. Wendy, those are deer tracks." Those are wolf tracks" No, they are deer tracks"
They argued for hours and hours about what fucking animal made the fucking tracks
until around midnight, they were both killed by an speeding locomotive
The blonde came running downstairs in tears
Her mother asked what was wrong and the blonde said she had just been ditched by her boyfriend
Her mother nodded wisely and proceeded to tell her about
the birds and the bees and the blonde said "No Mother. I can fuck and
suck with the best of them but he says I can't cook."
Two blondes were observed in a parking lot trying to unlock
the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger
Blonde#1: I can't seem to get this door unlocked
Blonde#2: Well, you'd better hurry up, you clueless cunt.
It's starting to rain and the top is down.
Then there's the story about a blonde who tried end the life of a red-tailed hawk by throwing it off a cliff
Copyright © 1999-2020 Ahmad Anvari
HUMOUR (4)
